Are children really our whole world?

I realise I may have critics branding me a bad mum for this article. What parent doesn’t put their children first? But this is an honest post touching on something I’ve been mulling over a lot recently.

Growing up in the 80’s/90’s we were hushed sitting in the front room so Mum and Dad could watch their programs together. We were told to pull our weight with the chores or get out once we reached sixteen. We were ushered upstairs by seven pm so our folks could have couple time. We were whacked over the back of the legs once dad got home from work if we dared to give cheek to mum throughout the day. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t condone these strategies as it made us feel unwanted at times. But I can’t help thinking the balance has shifted too much the other way?

We now hear of parents taking turns to sleep on their child’s nursery floor because their ‘everything’ won’t sleep alone. Online daters using the opening line “my kids come first so a date will have to fit around them” (a very appealing prospect to come second). Couples playing tag team to juggle work and their children. Are we then creating monsters who are spoilt by this level of attention? This builds a wedge between a couple so they no longer know how to talk to one another. They can’t help but talk to or about their brood. They literally live for their kids. Where does that giddiness disappear when your partner walks into the room? The flirtatious banter which makes you feel alive and sexy instead of feeling like a boring, responsible parent? It doesn’t have to end just because you have children. There are couples out there who share a private joke about spanking each other’s ass as the child leaves the room. Others who crack open a bottle to toast the adult times once their children are tucked up in bed.

Couples should put the same effort into making each other happy as they do their children, and not just give up because ‘their child come first!’ It takes minutes to apply nail varnish whilst your child’s asleep and you can still tidy up around the house clapping your hands like a seal on the mess so you don’t smudge your nails. Toss your chimp snacks (healthy ones of course) in the pushchair whilst you try on new outfits so you feel sexy for your partner. You can be a devoted parent with banter that goes over the head of your offspring (mummy loves sausage, don’t you mummy?), you can give your children all your attention during the daytime but de-parent at seven pm for some free time.

It has made me evaluate why we are here? Of course as animals we are here to reproduce. But then the offspring leave the nest and unless we ensure we still keep our identity, we should have the rest of our days left to spend alongside our soulmates. As brutal as it felt at times hearing my parents exclude us, perhaps they had it right all along? Thirty eight married years later they still throw out flanter like they did when they first met. Mum turns into a little school girl twiddling her hair when they’re together. And to my complete horror, she likes to share with me they still have an amazing sexlife too (which is the point I stick my fingers in my ears and repeat la la la la! Like a teen).

Remember, partners are for life not just for parenthood!

Please, don’t judge a slim person.

Assumptions

Please, don’t assume just because I’m a ‘slim person’ I’m happy and have it easy. I can assure you at 36, after two children my metabolism isn’t any speedier than other’s. The myth of me being able to eat what I want is just that…. A myth!

It annoys me when people who are overweight take the easy option of assuming they have a slower metabolism than some of us. No!!! I work hard to keep my weight down! Everyday I wake up at 6am to drag my tired butt out of bed. I bank 30 minutes of cardio before my husband goes to work, I spy on my teen so he gets to school on time, and my demanding toddler arises. This is usually a boring 3.5 mile run in the cold morning air that makes my legs tremble and my chest burn. I only allow myself one weighed bowl of cereal with sweetener and skimmed milk. My obsession with weight means every day my habit is to keep a count of every calorie consumed and weigh out every portion or I feel bad. It does my head in!!!! I walk the thirty minute brisk walk to the supermarket and back rather than hop in my motor so I get my steps in and feel the guilt less. I sit there refusing the cake offered to me at toddler groups even if my stomach is rumbling badly. I buy reduced salad and fruit to snack on all day when the boredom cravings kick in and the chocolate biscuits are calling me from the cupboard. Sometimes, if I’ve had a day where all I can think about is food and I’ve given in, now feeling fat and guilty, I will cook my family a meal and make excuses that I’ve already eaten when all I want to do is share a delicious dinner with my boys. I sit out of the Ben and Jerry’s my husband offers or the nuts he sits and scoffs in the evenings. I swap a nice cool beer for a boring vodka and Diet Coke. I’m the person who dreads birthdays, holidays and Christmas time for fear of putting weight on. When I do finally sit down after running after a toddler and working a few hours in the evening, I secretly go upstairs for a round of squats, lunges, sit ups etc. I even hope my husband is feeling sexy to burn off a few more calories even if at times when his hands wander over to my arse, I can’t help but think about the hand of flab he’s fondling. Yes, I may look thin and happy to you but I’m still never content with my body. I hate my bedroom mirror. I either spend moments starring at my wide load through it or avoid eye contact with the damn thing whilst manoeuvring around the room. I usually try on various outfits until I find the one I feel ok in. I see the roll of extra skin I inherited after my youngest was born, my fat thighs bulging with cellulite.

As with everyone, I am learning to love myself a little more with age but it’s certainly not easy just because I’m a ‘slim person’. I have the insecurities and hate my body sometimes just as the next person. So please, don’t judge a ‘slim person’.

Dating Trend Sideline

I found it a struggle to meet guys with my beautiful snotty boys in tow. Everyone presumes you’re in a relationship when you have children. I only have a small circle of friends of whom don’t have any single friends. I was a teacher which limited my pickings of dates at work.

So I came up with a strategy to meet dates for people in similar situations, in just three simple steps:

1. Buy a glow in the dark wristband from http://mylightison.bigcartel.com/

2. Wear it to make a statement you’re single and are looking to date.

3. Find and approach like minded people in your area (single and fed up of online dating apps), whether it’s just to swap dating stories, swap single friends or swap numbers…

What do we think of this idea you lovely lot?

The latest dating trend.

Order your glow in the dark wristband retailers package for events. Give your customers a new experience.

http://mylightison.bigcartel.com/

Out of my league?

Just because a someone is attractive and successful does it mean they’re too cocky to approach?

Whilst on the outside it’s easy to assume ‘the hottie must be way out of my league’. But on the inside it can be a whole different story.

I’m speaking from a female perspective but I’m sure it works for males too. Did you know pretty girls are hated by the majority of the female population? Women are so bitchy. From shop keepers to hairdressers. Women look down at beautiful girls and speak to them like they’re inferior in an attempt to make them feel better about themselves. “She might be pretty but look what’s she’s wearing”.

Whilst out clubbing, men don’t approach the pretty girls because they’re frightened of rejection. They go for the girls who will guarantee them a snog and a cheeky fondle.

What do you think years of cold shoulders and rejection does to a person? Exactly, lower their self esteem. Many are the most modest, approachable people you can meet.

Next time you’re out and about and you see a pretty person, remember they don’t bite. Well, not much anyway!

My Story

It’s been difficult to meet a potential partner with a child in tow. People just assume you’re in a relationship. Work was a joke! Do you know there’s a shortage of men teaching in primary schools? And (I hate to stereotype) the few sports coaches who did flatter the ladies, were usually straight out of college. Nights out with the girls seemed to decline over the years as one by one, they found their mate, and reproduced. On the rare occasion we were let out, you couldn’t help thinking this was your one and only chance to meet a guy during a 5 hour window of opportunity. I must have reeked of desperation. The kind that only attracted those on their weekly episode of ‘no strings attached’ fun. Luckily I never lowered my standards to this.I had little choice but begin online dating. People spoke about the free dating sites, and I was intrigued. Writing a profile was challenging for someone who is modest such as myself. How do you blow your own trumpet without sounding like a cocky ar**! Having a quick nosy at other profiles (for research purposes of course) was a mistake. The competitive me came out. Their profiles were sexy, sassy and witty. If they were single what little hope was there for the rest of us? It didn’t take long to reach the point of pressing the button, the button that made you become a piece of meat hung out there for predators near and far to nibble on. And that’s just how it felt at first. Suddenly my inbox was inundated with winks, messages and invitations to chat. Perhaps this was a good sign. It felt wrong to scan through peoples profiles like they were CV’s. You soon got into a routine of sieving through those who were of no interest to you, and detecting those who were players by key words hidden within their profiles. The naked selfies in the mirror…. that was definitely desperation!!! But I was addicted to the site. Sucked in by the hope of someone new entering the arena who was my Mr Right? It didn’t take long to stop living in the real world as I excitedly hurried back home to my laptop for a quick flirt, and the giddy feeling at the thought of going on a first date with someone I’d been chatting to for weeks. This was the problem. A pattern emerged, investing in weeks of chatting to one person on the screen, whose photos gave the perception of a hotty, and the detailed profile of the perfect boyfriend. You could not help building a whole package inside your head based on the snippets of clues tossed to you through your laptop. Over time, this evolved further, until you had created your perfect avatar who you expected to meet over a perfect date. Unfortunately, reality was somewhat different. The person in front of you ended up being your avatar’s somewhat shorter and older cousin, with a tiny resemblance of the person on the computer screen, with a much squeakier voice, and excitable mannerisms and gestures. After much conversation (well, if would be rude to leave after ten minutes) it emerged that the business they were CEO of, was actually a selling site on Ebay. There is only one thing that runs through your mind at this point… How the hell do I get out of this date quickly and painlessly? Needless to say, this was never achieved promptly by someone with impeccable manners and who feels some sort of loyalty to the person they had been speaking to over the past few weeks. When you did escape, you knew the next dilemma you faced… How to let him down gently when you get the text saying ‘they hope you got home safe, and that they enjoyed your company and would love to do it again’. Again, this is awkward for a nice person. To ignore the text would just be cruel. It always ended up as some version of the classic ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech.
So, this went on for some time with the same pattern of events. It always ended with the deflated feeling that yet again, there was no spark when you met the person. You start thinking there must be something wrong with you, you were some sort of a commitment phobe. When you’re single, everyone around you looks happy in a relationship, and let’s face it, sometimes you can’t help thinking they must have settled for less. The more you think about finding Mr Right, the more of an obsession it becomes. The loneliest times are always Christmases, birthdays and of course Valentine’s Day. The winter months are bleaker than ever with no one to cosy up with. You crave for someone to hold you and tell you that everything’s okay when you have a bad day at the office.

After a while, the buzz of reaching out to guys from behind a computer screen, wore thin. It became draining scanning through the guys that didn’t reach my high standards. The text talk messages became infuriating ‘hey ur sexy, wanna meet?’ Soon the site was only being visited every other day and that was only because it became routine. It was when I was out shopping in a supermarket when a guy suddenly caught my eye. He held a stare and all I could muster was a blush and to scuttle away with a smile on my face. It was a glimmer of hope that there are actually guys all around you who are passing you daily, going unnoticed. It suddenly dawned on me, when was the last time I went out for drinks with friends? I’d been on dates, at least one a week. But when was the last time I was out to have fun and not on a mission to find Mr Right? My life had been taken over. it was time for a change. I was going to live instead of racing back home to my inbox. That is exactly what I did. I firstly deleted every single one of my dating profiles (including the site I had a month’s subscription left). It felt fantastic. Just as it did when we burnt our school uniform in the summer of 99 (or was that just us being rebels?). I contacted friends who had been neglected for a while, and begged them to be my sidekick. I spent more time hanging out in general whether that was sunbathing in the park or visiting a museum for the tenth time. Soon the need to be in a relationship had been replaced with having a good time and making money. I felt powerful and carefree. This of course meant that I could now hold a gaze with a cute stranger. For the first time, I was enjoying life and didn’t need a relationship to complete it.

‘You will meet Mr Right when you least expect it’. Isn’t this the reassurance couples offer? Well they couldn’t be more right. It was the most unlikely place that I found love… My son’s Christmas disco of all places! I was wearing an old bobbly woollen jumper, I hadn’t even bothered to reapply my makeup from the day and my hair was in a falling out state. I was just sat with friends having a beer (yes we had alcohol at our children’s Christmas disco). It was even a sophisticated can of Stella that I was cradling. I was chatting with my friend whilst scanning the dance floor when I caught the eye of a guy sporting a Christmas jumper. I didn’t even think anything of it because he had two boys in tow and was obviously another one of the married men who get their kicks by stalking me with stares hoping I will respond to boost their ego. I did what I always did… I looked anywhere but in their direction and appeared to be having a great time. I even braved a strut right on past the guy without even acknowledging him. But the guy was persistent as he moved over to our side of the hall, I could feel his piercing stare. I felt intrigued, and saddened when he suddenly was gone. I resigned to the fact, it was another brief encounter with a guy that I would never see again. But I promised myself if I did see the mystery man in the playground the next day (the final day before the Christmas break), then I would approach him. The next day there he was. Playing it cool, I stood next to him in the huddle waiting for the children to be released. I caught his gaze and asked him why he was still wearing his Christmas jumper?

Do you get your little notepad out to scribble a list of requirements in a partner or do you run for the hills?

I realise we all handle situations in our own crazy-ass ways but I’ve spotted indifferences in how we’re affected by past relationships?

You have the organised ones who convert every heartbreak into a neat list of character traits of who they’re going to marry. Every time they’re pied the opposing characteristic is added to the list.

Others vow never to marry again in hope of a quiet life. They find contentment in the simple things (football, their local etc.) and think it’s a godsend if they never reproduce.

Of course, I’m not stereotyping everyone into these two brackets. Just to be clear.

Perhaps somewhere in between the two is a healthy balance. Learning from our past experiences makes us stronger and teaches us what we’re looking for. But we certainly shouldn’t over think and plan these things to the last bullet point. We should also never say never! I do believe when the right person comes along even a serious commitment phobe can turn into a mushy mess.

Is mistrust in a relationship immaturity?

It seems to be common couple behaviour to see red when one of them hits the town with their friends. More so if they don’t call by the end of the night. Checking each other’s phone for messages from the opposite sex is the norm too.
Surely if a relationship has got to that point it’s time to get out? It’s not always the jealous person’s fault either. Sometimes they’re not given the security they need. I wonder if some enjoy making their partner the green eyed monster, playing mind games because it makes things interesting, gives them control, and means the other person cares. There’s always fuel added to the fire. Why not just be respectful to drop a text through the night to see how they’re doing instead? Otherwise, you should question whether it’s fair to even start a relationship. Just be single and free to date like-minded people.

I’ve found, in my thirties I can’t be bothered with games. I walk away as soon as there’s signs of this immaturity. I have too much self-respect to allow myself to be treated so even if I did love him. My mindset is, if a guy tries to fuck me over, then his loss. It’s not the sort of person I’d want in my life anyway. I’m comfortable within myself and wise enough to realise he just wasn’t the one, didn’t deserve me and there’s plenty more fish in the sea. I certainly wouldn’t lose sleep over it.

Bad case of verbal diarrhoea?

Whilst watching the repeat of last night’s Take Me Out, I found myself burying my head in my hands. 

There were comments of being sweaty Betty’s on the dance floor, grown cavemen eating delicate spoonfuls like a lady. And that was only the guys choosing the girls to date. The row of girls competing for dates compared themselves to Side Show Bob, and openly shared the fact they ate six packets of pork scratching a day (she somehow redeemed herself and got the guy). The girls were also persistent in throwing out compliments to the guys on how hot they were. 

I realise when you find yourself attracted to a person you can unfortunately, become the biggest wally ever in a nervous mushy mess. But less is more. 

Whilst on dates it’s okay to retain a degree of mystery. Sometimes if we pour out our whole life story, it can sound a little desperate, and you need to leave your date wanting to know more. Likewise, it shows we have a degree of emotional intelligence when we compliment others but tell them you like what they’re wearing. There’s no need to let out you fancy them straight away. They should work for it. Nobody wants it when it’s offered to you on a plate. When you put someone on a pedestal it can sometimes sound like you think they’re out of your league. We certainly shouldn’t be putting ourselves or close family and friends down in front of dates. Although it’s a good quality to be able to laugh at ourselves, it can come across as not being confident, and put them off. We’re trying to make a good first impression after all. Even if we do have bad habits or imperfections we’re not ashamed of, in the early stages we can’t help but be shallow and misjudge others on things we would later laugh about or find cute. We’re all guilty of it. How many online daters have you swiped left on because you found a spelling mistake in their profile?

Attractive qualities are confidence, being interesting, sociable and relaxed about the whole dating game because we are comfortable in our own skin.

Have you ever been told “when you stop looking, love will come along?”

Is there actually truth in this statement? Whilst being the only single left in your circle, you can’t help but think, your friends are just trying to be kind consoling you with this little white lie. But recently I’ve found myself debating whether it’s a fact?

I’m surrounded by tales from the dating world of people feeling hurt when they’ve been dumped from someone they’ve been chatting to online or have been on a couple of dates with. For some, there seems to be a fairytale built around what I would call ‘a few casual dates between two like-minded people to see if there’s a spark’. They already have themselves married, with the perfect cottage in the country with their little vegetable patch, and cute, freckled-faced perfect children in tow. Expectations seem to be high because they are on a mission to find the one. To earn a date with some of the ladies in the first place the guys must pass a series of online tests e.g. a literacy exam, a resistance to forward dick pics!

After each dating process, they never make the grade and the dater either do the dumping or get dumped due to the expectations overload. 

Have you ever been searching high and low for the perfect shawl to go with a dress but when you stop looking and the event has passed, you stumble across at least a handful of garments that would have been perfect?

The same can be said for love. When you’re putting pressure on yourself and your date to be ‘the one’ it takes the fun out of the date, and being in such a desperate mindset to find true love can only set yourself up for failure and pain when it’s all you live and breath.

Instead, I would like to read the tales from the dating world reading like “I have been so busy with life but I met this one girl who caught my eye. I thought we might as well go out for a date to have some fun. If it goes somewhere then great, if not, I haven’t lost anything.”

I’m certain when we become more relaxed about dating and reach the emotional intelligence not to care if things don’t go anywhere, then love will come along.