Out of my league?

Just because a someone is attractive and successful does it mean they’re too cocky to approach?

Whilst on the outside it’s easy to assume ‘the hottie must be way out of my league’. But on the inside it can be a whole different story.

I’m speaking from a female perspective but I’m sure it works for males too. Did you know pretty girls are hated by the majority of the female population? Women are so bitchy. From shop keepers to hairdressers. Women look down at beautiful girls and speak to them like they’re inferior in an attempt to make them feel better about themselves. “She might be pretty but look what’s she’s wearing”.

Whilst out clubbing, men don’t approach the pretty girls because they’re frightened of rejection. They go for the girls who will guarantee them a snog and a cheeky fondle.

What do you think years of cold shoulders and rejection does to a person? Exactly, lower their self esteem. Many are the most modest, approachable people you can meet.

Next time you’re out and about and you see a pretty person, remember they don’t bite. Well, not much anyway!

My Story

It’s been difficult to meet a potential partner with a child in tow. People just assume you’re in a relationship. Work was a joke! Do you know there’s a shortage of men teaching in primary schools? And (I hate to stereotype) the few sports coaches who did flatter the ladies, were usually straight out of college. Nights out with the girls seemed to decline over the years as one by one, they found their mate, and reproduced. On the rare occasion we were let out, you couldn’t help thinking this was your one and only chance to meet a guy during a 5 hour window of opportunity. I must have reeked of desperation. The kind that only attracted those on their weekly episode of ‘no strings attached’ fun. Luckily I never lowered my standards to this.I had little choice but begin online dating. People spoke about the free dating sites, and I was intrigued. Writing a profile was challenging for someone who is modest such as myself. How do you blow your own trumpet without sounding like a cocky ar**! Having a quick nosy at other profiles (for research purposes of course) was a mistake. The competitive me came out. Their profiles were sexy, sassy and witty. If they were single what little hope was there for the rest of us? It didn’t take long to reach the point of pressing the button, the button that made you become a piece of meat hung out there for predators near and far to nibble on. And that’s just how it felt at first. Suddenly my inbox was inundated with winks, messages and invitations to chat. Perhaps this was a good sign. It felt wrong to scan through peoples profiles like they were CV’s. You soon got into a routine of sieving through those who were of no interest to you, and detecting those who were players by key words hidden within their profiles. The naked selfies in the mirror…. that was definitely desperation!!! But I was addicted to the site. Sucked in by the hope of someone new entering the arena who was my Mr Right? It didn’t take long to stop living in the real world as I excitedly hurried back home to my laptop for a quick flirt, and the giddy feeling at the thought of going on a first date with someone I’d been chatting to for weeks. This was the problem. A pattern emerged, investing in weeks of chatting to one person on the screen, whose photos gave the perception of a hotty, and the detailed profile of the perfect boyfriend. You could not help building a whole package inside your head based on the snippets of clues tossed to you through your laptop. Over time, this evolved further, until you had created your perfect avatar who you expected to meet over a perfect date. Unfortunately, reality was somewhat different. The person in front of you ended up being your avatar’s somewhat shorter and older cousin, with a tiny resemblance of the person on the computer screen, with a much squeakier voice, and excitable mannerisms and gestures. After much conversation (well, if would be rude to leave after ten minutes) it emerged that the business they were CEO of, was actually a selling site on Ebay. There is only one thing that runs through your mind at this point… How the hell do I get out of this date quickly and painlessly? Needless to say, this was never achieved promptly by someone with impeccable manners and who feels some sort of loyalty to the person they had been speaking to over the past few weeks. When you did escape, you knew the next dilemma you faced… How to let him down gently when you get the text saying ‘they hope you got home safe, and that they enjoyed your company and would love to do it again’. Again, this is awkward for a nice person. To ignore the text would just be cruel. It always ended up as some version of the classic ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech.
So, this went on for some time with the same pattern of events. It always ended with the deflated feeling that yet again, there was no spark when you met the person. You start thinking there must be something wrong with you, you were some sort of a commitment phobe. When you’re single, everyone around you looks happy in a relationship, and let’s face it, sometimes you can’t help thinking they must have settled for less. The more you think about finding Mr Right, the more of an obsession it becomes. The loneliest times are always Christmases, birthdays and of course Valentine’s Day. The winter months are bleaker than ever with no one to cosy up with. You crave for someone to hold you and tell you that everything’s okay when you have a bad day at the office.

 

After a while, the buzz of reaching out to guys from behind a computer screen, wore thin. It became draining scanning through the guys that didn’t reach your high standards. The text talk messages became infuriating ‘hey ur sexy, wanna meet?’ Soon the site was only being visited every other day and that was only because it became routine. It was when I was out shopping in a supermarket when a guy suddenly caught my eye. He held a stare and all I could muster was a blush and to scuttle away with a smile on my face. It was a glimmer of hope that there are actually guys all around you who are passing you daily, going unnoticed. It suddenly dawned on me, when was the last time I went out for drinks with friends? I’d been on dates, at least one a week. But when was the last time I was out to have fun and not on a mission to find Mr Right? My life had been taken over. it was time for a change. I was going to live instead of racing back home to my inbox. That is exactly what I did. I firstly deleted every single one of my dating profiles (including the site I had a month’s subscription left). It felt fantastic. Just as it did when we burnt our school uniform in the summer of 99 (or was that just us being rebels?). I contacted friends who had been neglected for a while, and begged them to be my sidekick. I spent more time hanging out in general whether that was sunbathing in the park or visiting a museum for the tenth time. Soon the need to be in a relationship had been replaced with having a good time and making money. I felt powerful and carefree. This of course meant that I could now hold a gaze with a cute stranger. For the first time, I was enjoying life and didn’t need a relationship to complete it.

 

‘You will meet Mr Right when you least expect it’. Isn’t this the reassurance couples offer? Well they couldn’t be more right. It was the most unlikely place that I found love… My son’s Christmas disco of all places! I was wearing an old bobbly woollen jumper, I hadn’t even bothered to reapply my makeup from the day and my hair was in a falling out state. I was just sat with friends having a beer (yes we had alcohol at our children’s Christmas disco). It was even a sophisticated can of Stella that I was cradling. I was chatting with my friend whilst scanning the dance floor when I caught the eye of a guy sporting a Christmas jumper. I didn’t even think anything of it because he had two boys in tow and was obviously another one of the married men who get their kicks by stalking me with stares hoping I will respond to boost their ego. I did what I always did… I looked anywhere but in their direction and appeared to be having a great time. I even braved a strut right on past the guy without even acknowledging him. But the guy was persistent as he moved over to our side of the hall, I could feel his piercing stare. I felt intrigued, and saddened when he suddenly was gone. I resigned to the fact, it was another brief encounter with a guy that I would never see again. But I promised myself if I did see the mystery man in the playground the next day (the final day before the Christmas break), then I would approach him. The next day there he was. Playing it cool, I stood next to him in the huddle waiting for the children to be released. I caught his gaze and asked him why he was still wearing his Christmas jumper?

Do you get your little notepad out to scribble a list of requirements in a partner or do you run for the hills?

I realise we all handle situations in our own crazy-ass ways but I’ve spotted indifferences in how we’re affected by past relationships?

You have the organised ones who convert every heartbreak into a neat list of character traits of who they’re going to marry. Every time they’re pied the opposing characteristic is added to the list.

Others vow never to marry again in hope of a quiet life. They find contentment in the simple things (football, their local etc.) and think it’s a godsend if they never reproduce.

Of course, I’m not stereotyping everyone into these two brackets. Just to be clear.

Perhaps somewhere in between the two is a healthy balance. Learning from our past experiences makes us stronger and teaches us what we’re looking for. But we certainly shouldn’t over think and plan these things to the last bullet point. We should also never say never! I do believe when the right person comes along even a serious commitment phobe can turn into a mushy mess.

Dating Negativity?

Listening to all my single friends’ dating stories, there’s definitely a level or negativity towards prospective dates.

It seriously gets as simple as ‘this guy was out partying last night. We can’t be compatible because I’m more of a home bird’. Couldn’t the guy in fact have spent the evening secretly eating pizza at home alone sat in his underpants but simply wanted to impress you?

Does this negativity build up with every disappointing date attended? This will make it impossible to give people a chance. A certain degree of open mindedness.

A Bitter Pill?

Whilst reading tweets from single ladies, I couldn’t help but notice there’s a lot of man haters out there. Have we forgotten how to give people the benefit of the doubt after one too many bad dates? Tarnished with the same brush, the women seem to have united to form a defence system. They protect the tribe, and throw shade to all the men they date and it doesn’t go the way they long for it to. I’m certain it’s probably the same for the single males too.

It saddens me that such hatred can occur from a situation which mimics trying on various pairs of gloves to see which one fits. It’s nobody’s fault if a date doesn’t flow, it takes two to hold a conversation and the fact of the matter is, it’s just not the right fit! My pet hate is when less confident people project the blame on the other person saying they’re not fun. Everyone is fun in their own ways and fun is measured differently from each individual anyway. Who has the right to decide what’s fun and what isn’t? What saddens me more is knowing that this attitude towards dating is diminishing their chances of finding the one because they have already given up hope, have already decided what type of bad arse person this is before they go on the date. Besides, who’s going to find a man/woman-hater attractive anyway?

We all need to be more open to date on the mission to find love, and kinder towards those who we meet along the way. They’re the ones who give us the experiences that make us who we are today, after all.

Do we only have the capacity to love a fair few at any one time?

Feeling saddened by the strained relationship with my eleven year old once again, I couldn’t help but ponder why there’s always strain with one of my relationships at any one time. Is this because my love will only stretch so far?

Prior to this, it has been the relationship with my partner that has suffered. David works away a lot and so it is easy to feel disconnected. Something in my head told me to keep pushing him away which meant I made excuses why he should return from camp. Even to the point of convincing himself that he was too busy and tired to drive. There’s no explanation why I felt this way. Only that deep down I perhaps felt a little resentment that David was away whilst I was bringing up our new born, and my other son. But I don’t think this was it. I was happy with our little boy. He was the apple of my eye, even more so now he was smiling and cooing. But that was probably just it. All my attention, energy and love was centred around our little bundle. Making sure he was happy. And the rest was distributed to my eleven year old who was hard work to say the least. He is definitely showing teenage behaviour. I don’t think I had anymore love to give. I’m not one of those people who find it easy to show affection as it is, which comes from losing someone close. It’s like a defence mechanism that shuts down emotions in the quest to never be hurt again. So maybe my nurturing instinct to love this baby was consuming all that I had to give? They do say that men feel pushed out once there’s a new arrival.

I recognised I was in the wrong and gave myself a big talking to yesterday which is something you can do when you reach your wise old thirties. And I made sure I gave David the attention he needed (having a partner is a bit like having another child). He responded well, I could tell by the Emojis. I felt like I had to reprogram the way I reacted to his gestures. I know this will sound like a scene from a hippie farm but I had to turn all the negative thoughts into positives. But it’s like a juggling act, now it looks like things are going wrong with my son.

I wonder if you can train yourself to broaden your capacity to love? The only godsend is, it’s the relationships who can cope with the strain, are where it falters. Another natural coping mechanism perhaps? The baby always bags the unconditional love. Even after waking you up all through the night and being incredibly needy. Things will get better, sometimes we need to be kinder to ourselves and give ourselves a break.

Do we ever find a happy place?

I get annoyed at the movies, such as Bridget Jones where you spend the entire first movie following the complications of the character’s quest to bag the man. And then the second and third films see the pattern start all over again where she loses and then bags the man. But perhaps this is simply the true to life, rollercoaster?

We spend so much time finding the one and assume that when they come along, everything will be ok. Our lives will be complete. This could be where the fairy tales ended as children where the beautiful understated girl bagged her hansom prince and lived happily ever after in the palace? But life is somewhat different. You face new problems.

The fact of the matter is, I was single for ten years whilst bringing up my son. Don’t get me wrong, I had relationships but they never lasted beyond nine months. I was fussy in my old age for one thing. Internet dating became an obsession where I found myself racing home to check out if their were any fresh meat on the site. It wasn’t until I accidently bumped into a guy (who wasn’t my type in the slightest) whilst having a shit day, when it all changed. David was not the older man I usually go for yet he put me in my place more than anyone could and was very worldly. These were both attributes I found attractive in a partner.

We took things slowly which worked for me. Every date was new and left butterflies in my stomach. David worked away a lot and was originally rom the Manchester which meant he had a daughter up there who he spent much time visiting. He was a good Dad which is also appealing. He soon built an amazing relationship with my son. David had previously been in long relationships so he wasn’t the type of guy to shy away from commitment. He was actually better at it than me, and it didn’t take long to say the ‘L’ word. Although we didn’t see each other every day, David called me every night. Sounds perfect? So why isn’t it?

The truth of the matter is, there are always problems. There is no such thing as a happy ever after (I hope this doesn’t rain on your parade too much). Eighteen months down the line and nothing has changed. We still enjoy each other’s company and the spark is most definitely there but that is just it. Things haven’t changed and don’t promise to anytime soon. Baggage has dealt us a rubbish card. Not on my side of things, I’ve never been married and bring my son up entirely on my own so no exes involved. Likewise work for me is not tying in any way. However, David is not yet divorced from his crazy ex, who has poisoned the mind of his child to the point that he doesn’t want to meet me under any circumstances. And David is married to his job which means he has to go wherever they send him and remain living a good hour’s drive away for the next six years. Some might say, be grateful for what you’ve got. Soulmates don’t come around too often but doesn’t this feel worse? You have found yours yet everything is working against you. Sod’s law I think they call it. If I didn’t realise how rare it is to find someone, then I would have given up on things a long time ago. I would say I’m very much hanging on in there. Am I patient or a mug? I find myself asking.

The moral of the story is, perhaps we need to stop looking for the perfect life and just make do with what we’ve got. Otherwise we’ll spend our entire lives looking for perfection instead of living it.

Just your average dating story- sixth instalment

 

thFNS8HR6AJames and I had been on a few dinner dates and with every second spent together, my feelings grew. There was nothing that I didn’t like about this guy. He was intelligent, confident and adventurous, and made me feel good about myself. However, there was a constant dull aching in the pit of my stomach that this was only meant to be a casual thing whilst he was in the area. I could not help strong feelings developing, there was just something about him. Or perhaps it was just the wanting what you can’t have? Part of me wanted to run away from it, knowing that I was likely to get hurt when the time came for James to leave but it was too exciting to do so. We laughed hard, and played hard: James made me feel alive again. I also felt safe in his arms like nothing else mattered in the world when we were together. But this was too perfect, and I knew something this good couldn’t possibly last forever.

We were good in every situation, from the adult alone time which was passionate and exciting, to socialising with family and friends. I seemed to instantly click with anyone James introduced to me, probably due to the fact, we shared the same interests and sense of humour. One evening whilst watching a northern soul movie it was obvious that we shared an interest in the history behind the music scene. “I would love to go to a Northern Soul event” I explained. “Let’s do it!” the carefree James’ replied. And there and then we decided to go on a mini adventure to a northern soul weekender.

James picked me up on the Friday morning and we made the journey to Prestatyn. It might have been a long drive but the time flew by as we sang to cheesy radio classics and polished off the continental breakfast James bought along the way. I felt young and carefree, like I was driving to a rave once again. Upon arrival, we dumped our bags in the little ‘love shack’ and ventured out for supplies. We stumbled along the casual dining restaurant that reminded me of a school canteen. The menu consisted of the 70’s classics scampi and chips, and roly-poly pudding (just to remain in keeping with the event I’d like to think). There were guys already dressed in their finest bangs and ladies parading in their platforms ready to hit the dance floor. We were soon full of excitement back at the love shack, getting ready for the all-nighter, helped along by northern soul tunes and rum. Whist James was busy in the shower I couldn’t help but desperately practice some moves in the mirror after beginning to feel that I could be out-danced by these professionals. As we entered the arena James took the words right out of my mouth “wow”. The dance floor was packed with all ages shuffling, side-stepping and spinning. It was like a scene straight from the movie. This talent had obviously been hidden as these middle-aged pros were working their mundane lives as bank clerks, teachers and nurses. It was at these events that they were awoken. James, with his usual carefree air, just began doing his own thing on the dance floor. I could not help but get frustrated that I could not copy one single step that the professionals made look effortless. I soon asked a lady who was stood at the side to show me some northern soul moves. She taught me the basic shuffle step and insisted “there’s no right way of doing it, just feel the music.” “But that’s too much arse.” James could not help but chuckle “less arse is more”. I soon got drunk and didn’t care about the lack of northern soul in my moves. I was enjoying the music and the company, and that’s all that mattered. We danced until our feet hurt which meant we were shown up by the older couples still going at 4oclock in the morning. The following day was amazing as we canoodled on the beach (which involved me screaming as I was carried in a fireman’s lift as an attempt to throw me in the sea). We cozied up in cafes sharing coffee and cake, and wondered around exploring the North Wales seaside towns. By the end of the weekend, I was tired and hung over yet I still mustered a spring in my step. I never knew things could be so good, and I certainly didn’t want it to end.

Trust

Agreed!!!

Relationship malarkey

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Trust is essential for a successful relationship. If your partner feels as if you don’t trust them, they may start to feel resentful against you. They will end up enjoying your company less and less.

1. Don’t question them about where they have been all day and what they have been up too. If they want to tell you they will, don’t keep pestering them. Trust them that they have just been doing their normal day.

2. Don’t dis-believe them when they do tell you what they have been doing and who they have been with. Trust them and just carry on the conversation.

3. If your partner has been around someone of a different sex that had made you feel uncomfortable on many occasions, trust them. Believe them when they say they are just talking, as most the time they are probably taking about you anyway!

3. Don’t jump…

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