Do we only have the capacity to love a fair few at any one time?

Feeling saddened by the strained relationship with my eleven year old once again, I couldn’t help but ponder why there’s always strain with one of my relationships at any one time. Is this because my love will only stretch so far?

Prior to this, it has been the relationship with my partner that has suffered. David works away a lot and so it is easy to feel disconnected. Something in my head told me to keep pushing him away which meant I made excuses why he should return from camp. Even to the point of convincing himself that he was too busy and tired to drive. There’s no explanation why I felt this way. Only that deep down I perhaps felt a little resentment that David was away whilst I was bringing up our new born, and my other son. But I don’t think this was it. I was happy with our little boy. He was the apple of my eye, even more so now he was smiling and cooing. But that was probably just it. All my attention, energy and love was centred around our little bundle. Making sure he was happy. And the rest was distributed to my eleven year old who was hard work to say the least. He is definitely showing teenage behaviour. I don’t think I had anymore love to give. I’m not one of those people who find it easy to show affection as it is, which comes from losing someone close. It’s like a defence mechanism that shuts down emotions in the quest to never be hurt again. So maybe my nurturing instinct to love this baby was consuming all that I had to give? They do say that men feel pushed out once there’s a new arrival.

I recognised I was in the wrong and gave myself a big talking to yesterday which is something you can do when you reach your wise old thirties. And I made sure I gave David the attention he needed (having a partner is a bit like having another child). He responded well, I could tell by the Emojis. I felt like I had to reprogram the way I reacted to his gestures. I know this will sound like a scene from a hippie farm but I had to turn all the negative thoughts into positives. But it’s like a juggling act, now it looks like things are going wrong with my son.

I wonder if you can train yourself to broaden your capacity to love? The only godsend is, it’s the relationships who can cope with the strain, are where it falters. Another natural coping mechanism perhaps? The baby always bags the unconditional love. Even after waking you up all through the night and being incredibly needy. Things will get better, sometimes we need to be kinder to ourselves and give ourselves a break.

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Do we ever find a happy place?

I get annoyed at the movies, such as Bridget Jones where you spend the entire first movie following the complications of the character’s quest to bag the man. And then the second and third films see the pattern start all over again where she loses and then bags the man. But perhaps this is simply the true to life, rollercoaster?

We spend so much time finding the one and assume that when they come along, everything will be ok. Our lives will be complete. This could be where the fairy tales ended as children where the beautiful understated girl bagged her hansom prince and lived happily ever after in the palace? But life is somewhat different. You face new problems.

The fact of the matter is, I was single for ten years whilst bringing up my son. Don’t get me wrong, I had relationships but they never lasted beyond nine months. I was fussy in my old age for one thing. Internet dating became an obsession where I found myself racing home to check out if their were any fresh meat on the site. It wasn’t until I accidently bumped into a guy (who wasn’t my type in the slightest) whilst having a shit day, when it all changed. David was not the older man I usually go for yet he put me in my place more than anyone could and was very worldly. These were both attributes I found attractive in a partner.

We took things slowly which worked for me. Every date was new and left butterflies in my stomach. David worked away a lot and was originally rom the Manchester which meant he had a daughter up there who he spent much time visiting. He was a good Dad which is also appealing. He soon built an amazing relationship with my son. David had previously been in long relationships so he wasn’t the type of guy to shy away from commitment. He was actually better at it than me, and it didn’t take long to say the ‘L’ word. Although we didn’t see each other every day, David called me every night. Sounds perfect? So why isn’t it?

The truth of the matter is, there are always problems. There is no such thing as a happy ever after (I hope this doesn’t rain on your parade too much). Eighteen months down the line and nothing has changed. We still enjoy each other’s company and the spark is most definitely there but that is just it. Things haven’t changed and don’t promise to anytime soon. Baggage has dealt us a rubbish card. Not on my side of things, I’ve never been married and bring my son up entirely on my own so no exes involved. Likewise work for me is not tying in any way. However, David is not yet divorced from his crazy ex, who has poisoned the mind of his child to the point that he doesn’t want to meet me under any circumstances. And David is married to his job which means he has to go wherever they send him and remain living a good hour’s drive away for the next six years. Some might say, be grateful for what you’ve got. Soulmates don’t come around too often but doesn’t this feel worse? You have found yours yet everything is working against you. Sod’s law I think they call it. If I didn’t realise how rare it is to find someone, then I would have given up on things a long time ago. I would say I’m very much hanging on in there. Am I patient or a mug? I find myself asking.

The moral of the story is, perhaps we need to stop looking for the perfect life and just make do with what we’ve got. Otherwise we’ll spend our entire lives looking for perfection instead of living it.

Does seeing someone attract other potential partners?

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Am I alone in thinking love interests are like buses… None show up and then they all come at once?

In the past I have experienced long dry spells of serial dating but nothing ever getting past the second or third date. But then over the last six months, things have been somewhat different. I have been in new territory, a period of permanently seeing someone one after the other whether that be for a month at a time or more.  It appears that being found attractive by someone, attracts others, and this has lead to interesting (and interested) guys coming out of the woodwork.

Perhaps when you are coupled up (whether it is deemed to last or not) you radiate a happiness or a self-confidence in which the opposite sex detect and prey upon? Or maybe this is just another example of how giving up online dating has opened up new opportunities which had gone unnoticed before now? It will be interesting to see if the ‘My Light is on’ pin badges will help others to find love interests the organic way by erasing the issues of being dubious whether the hot girl or guy in the supermarket is single and is looking to date, as well as being a conversation starter!

Let us make this campaign happen!

Trust

Agreed!!!

Relationship malarkey

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Trust is essential for a successful relationship. If your partner feels as if you don’t trust them, they may start to feel resentful against you. They will end up enjoying your company less and less.

1. Don’t question them about where they have been all day and what they have been up too. If they want to tell you they will, don’t keep pestering them. Trust them that they have just been doing their normal day.

2. Don’t dis-believe them when they do tell you what they have been doing and who they have been with. Trust them and just carry on the conversation.

3. If your partner has been around someone of a different sex that had made you feel uncomfortable on many occasions, trust them. Believe them when they say they are just talking, as most the time they are probably taking about you anyway!

3. Don’t jump…

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I had a “I need a ‘My Light is on’ pin badge” moment today!!!

Whilst standing in the queue for my latte today, I most definitely was reminded about what this campaign is all about. I felt some piercing eyes burning the back of me as the queue was slowly shortening. I did not dare to turn around because the space between us was too little for comfort.

After I had politely and confidently demanded my coffee (to impress of course), and I was free to negotiate space, I was pleasantly surprised to see an attractive guy stand before me. He kept checking me out every time he thought I wasn’t looking. But that’s the funny thing about us women, nothing gets past us even if we don’t even flinch. This little game went on for a good five minutes whilst we were waiting for our orders until I was given mine and was sent on my way.

I could not help wonder what would have happened if we were both wearing our ‘My Light is on’ pin badges? Do you think we would have looked at each other’s and smirked? We would of course also had a conversation starter ‘so, you’re single too?’

Well, hopefully this experiment will begin improving our approach to meeting people. But remember, it will take a while for this campaign to spread so help it along by sharing our posts, blogs and tweets with all of your single friends.

Impressive First Date

I have been on many first dates, most involved finding a cosy corner in the city’s funkiest coffee house (a mutual choice, granted!). But I was suddenly caught off guard when I met a guy from overseas. We were flirting with banter of how he would wow me with an impressive first date. I was puzzled by answering questions such as ‘would I describe myself as someone who loves trying new experiences, someone who knows what they like and sticks to it or someone who is somewhere in between?’ Of course, this worried me slightly as I envisaged being propelled out of an aeroplane with my delicately curled hair flapping in the wind, and mascara running down my cheeks. But I reluctantly still went ahead anyway. And I couldn’t have been more wrong…

The evening was perfectly planned, tailored around my need to escape being a mom for an evening and instead, being treated like a princess. I was given the instructions to meet in a swanky bar for drinks. Okay, he did not quite manage to make reservations there but the alternative was the next best thing… an intimate hidden little gem serving rich, flavoursome food. After much debate, we ordered two starters to share (yes we had similar tastes in food), alongside a glass of red confidently recommended by my date. Like many men (I hate to stereotype), my date didn’t have a sweet tooth. However, just to ensure that I didn’t shy away from desert because of appearing too greedy, he insisted that we would share a desert of my choice. Perfect so far? Well it gets better. We then took a short stroll hand-in-hand through the city to a comedy club where we had pre-booked tickets. Upon entering we were offered an upgrade to front row seats. We were to wrapped up in the moment as we missed the warning sign that we now had front row seats to a comedy night! Being the only couple in the club to be interlocking hands across the table, of course we were instantly singled out! We must have been oozing the first date syndrome, and it didn’t take long for this to escalate to debating my date’s manhood. But for some bizarre reason it wasn’t awkward, we simply held a gaze and exchanged a smirk.

So that my friends, is how you plan a first date. Or perhaps I was biased by the fact that for the first time in a long time, I was on a date with a guy I wanted to spend more time with? It would have been a tricky date to escape if we didn’t click, most probably involving pulling a fast one e.g. jumping out of the ladies toilet window or asking a friend to call with the news that your great aunt is ill!